Subject: Ode to Email

I received this in an e-mail from a friend. This is just a few of the bogus rumors e-mails that are going around. Any time I get one of these rumor e-mails I go to www.snopes.com to check it out.

**Thank You**

** My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. **

**Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.**

**Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. **

**Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.**

**Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. **

**I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.**

**I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.**

**I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. **

**I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. **

**I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me. **

**I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. **

**I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. **

**I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. **

**I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. **

**I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.**

**I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. **

**Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. **

**I no longer have any money because I gave them to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. **

**Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! **

**If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p. m. (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.**